This Freaks Me Out

Look at this picture and try to say the
colour of the word and not the word itself.

Why doies this happen?

Because the right side of your brain is
trying to say the colour and the left
side of your brain is trying to say the word.

This just freaks me out, Arrgghhhhhhhhh

Is it shimmering?

Count the black dots

Are the horizontal lines straight, or do they slope?

How many legs does the elephant have ?

A Penis Searching For A Penis

Looks Like A Penis

This advertisement actually appeared
in the Arkansas Gazette. The slight
errmmmm 'error' wasn't noticed until
it actually reached the newstands however.

I would have thought a guy on a bike with
what appears to be a stiff one would have
been noticed, but not in Arkansas.

Great Paint Job, Or Is It?

Great paint job, or is it a real car?

Funny Job Application Answers

QUALIFICATIONS:

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail."

EXPERIENCE:

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job."

EDUCATION:

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"Finished eighth in my class of ten."

SPECIAL SKILLS:

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am disposed that it be so oriented as to partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured to lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30. I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining an entire Midwest chain operation."

REFERENCES:

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Do As We Say And Do As We Do, Or Else!

Here are the cartoons produced by Danish artists that provoked riots and death threats galore from Muslims all over the world as they screamed out in protest.







Now……

Here are some cartoons produced in Arab countries where Islam is enforced very strictly. They were produced before the Danish cartoons were, but no one seems to have raised much of a fuss over it.







So how exactly does all this work then? They are free to do as they choose, but if the West dares to respond in a similar manner, they are chastised for it, and Muslims are allowed to riot, burn down buildings and scream blue murder over it?

Here’s how I see it. This might get some Jihad shit set up on my ass but so be it. Here in the West we have freedom of speech and I’m exercising that right.

These cartoons are a good idea, because Muslims have been hoodwinked for so long, that finally having to face the truth is the first step in their freedom from these Gestapo-like mullahs and imams who have been brain-washing Muslims for far too long (1374 yrs)...

Maybe now Muslims will get the idea, that not only was Muhammad not a prophet, but he wasn't even a good human being.

Muhammad raped, plundered and murdered, and he married a 6 yr old girl when he was in his 50's.

He had everyone killed who disagreed with him.

Muslims remain in denial about this guy.... He admitted twice in the Qur'an that he could do no miracles to show any divinity. And Muhammad made no real prophecy.

In all the Qur'an Muhammad made only one (1) vague guess about the Romans winning some future battle; no time or place given. That's it! One guess. The real sad part is that Muslims are willing to, and gullible enough to bet their salvation on this guy.

Islam does not mean "Peace". It means "Submission"!

Nobody is allowed to disagree with Islam... All MUST submit!

The Muslim Qur'an is unique among all the sacred writings in the entire world -- because it alone counsels its followers to make war on unbelievers. Both Muslim holy books (Qur'an/Koran and Hadith) contain commands for Muslims to subjugate the world, militarily. Muhammad commanded Muslims to spread Islam through Offensive Jihad; or conquest of non-Muslim lands. Muslims are also commanded to take back any land that was formerly Muslim, such as Israel.

Radical Muslims believe that they are Mujahideen, or "holy warriors of Allah". Their goal, like Islam's goal is to establish the entire world as a pure Islamic state (a Khalifah), which conforms to Islamic laws.

Standing in Islam's way for this world subjugation is the West, especially America. This is why you often hear Muslims calling America the "Great Satan".

Islam simply does not understand that it is Satan who wants to subjugate the world. He is doing this in the name of Islam. Satan is a slave master who hoodwinked Muhammad and Islam into thinking that he is God, and that he demands subjugation by the sword if necessary. To do this, Satan needs to squelch the spirit of freedom everywhere. Including freedom of speech - and, especially belief in the true Prince of Peace, and Son of God.

Here is an example of the typical intolerant, Muslim, blood thirsty over reaction to these European Cartoons below:

Hamas leader Mahmoud Zahar told the Italian daily il Giornale on February 4, 2006 that the cartoons were an offense that should be punished by death.

"We should have killed all those who offend the Prophet and instead here we are, protesting peacefully," Zahar said.

Yes, that's right, you are protesting peacefully for once. But that only came about after you burned down two embassies in Denmark and three more in other countries, all over a couple of cartoons. Such tantrums over a drawing is best left to children if you ask me. After all, it's the kind of behaviour we expect from them, but not fully grown 'adults'.

But hey, I’m no cleric, these are just my opinions. If you don’t like them then I guess that’s too bad really.

Strange..........But True

A single share of Coca-Cola stock, purchased in 1919, when the company went public, would have been worth $92,500 in 1997.

Americans consume 42 tons of Aspirin per day.

Americans spend more than $5 billion a year on cosmetics, toiletries, beauty parlors and barber shops.

Bayer was advertising cough medicine containing Heroin in 1898.
Carbonated soda water was invented in 1767 by Joseph Priestley, the discoverer of oxygen.

Cheerios cereal was originally called Cheerioats.
Chewing gum was patented in 1869 by William Semple.

Coca-Cola was so named back in 1885 for its two medicinal ingredients: extract of coca leaves and kola nuts. As for how much cocaine was originally in the formula, it's hard to know.
Cocaine used to be sold to cure sore throat, neuralgia, nervousness, headache, colds and sleeplessness in the 1880s.

During the Prohibition, at least 1565 Americans died from drinking bad liquor, hundreds were blinded, and many were killed in bootlegger wars. Federal agents and the Coast Guard made 75,000 arrests per year.

False eyelashes were invented by film director D.W. Griffith while he was making the 1916 epic, "Intolerance." He wanted actress Seena Owen to have lashes that brushed her cheeks.

For two years, during the 1970s, Mattel marketed a doll called "Growing Up Skipper". Her breasts grew when her arm was turned.

Gatorade was named for the University of Florida Gators, where it was first developed.

Hershey's Kisses are called that, because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.

The ball-point pen was invented by two hungarian brothers: Georgo and Lazlo Biro.

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom, over and over again.

In 1965, LBJ enacted a law requiring cigarette manufacturers to put health warnings on their packages.

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting out advertising space on his cows.
In 4000 BC Egypt, men and women wore glitter eye shadow made from the crushed shells of beetles. Men and women walked around topless, and marriages between brothers and sisters were not uncommon in the Royal families. Cleopatra was married to her older brother, until he drowned in the Nile. Then she married her 11-year-old younger brother.

In the 1700s, European women achieved a pale complexion by eating "Arsenic Complexion Wafers", which contained the actual poison.

Sonic BOOM !!!!

Who Said History Is Boring ?

Next time you're washing your hands and the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children -- last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway, hence, a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth. . . (who ever said that History was boring)?

Vasectomy By Lobster

This is not a good idea.
Especially if you are
keen on the idea of
having children so
please take note
guys.

I Put My Hand Up His Shorts

What's your most embarassing story. Mine is pretty funny, well, it is now. It was at the time too actually.

I was driving with my man to the super market, only for the car to break down in the car park. My boyfriend told me to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car outside.

I returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, I saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the car. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of under-pants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, I dutifully stepped forward, quickly put my hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything into place.

I stood back up, looked across the roof of the car and found myself staring at my boyfriend who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Iraqi Urinals

Iraq, having been subjected to so many
years of war and conflict is now beginning
to rebuild.

New buildings, new scenery, freedom and
a security force that can now watch over
them giving hope to the people of Iraq
after so many years of torment.

However, the introduction of new urinals
in Baghdad must surely be the biggest
boost to the people......

Looking At Tits Is Good For You

I guess this is good news for most guys.

The men I work with will most probably
live to 150 years cheeky buggers are
always staring at mine, lol.

Have You Ever Lived In Wank, Twat Or Chinaman's Knob?

These are actual names of cities/towns around the world.

If you actually live in one of these places, please feel free to tell us why in the name of God you chose to live there.

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
Bastard (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong Fuk (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
Wank (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

Sir Francis Drake Circumsised The World, Apparently !

The following are actual excerpts from real student essays. I can only say I don't hold out much hope for the future of the world if people with intelligence levels as low as this are to be our future leaders. I will make the assumption that the people who wrote these things are in a situation where their age is in fact a higher number than their IQ.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great invention and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.

In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Ebay Sanctions For Canada

On eBay, the highest bid wins -- unless the item on sale is a laser printer from Comp Atlanta and the bidder happens to be Canadian.

That's what a tax consultant discovered last week when he tried to buy a printer on eBay, but was refused by the vendor when it was discovered he lived in Vancouver.

David Ingram received notification that his winning bid of $24.50 had been canceled, along with this message: "At the present time, we do not ship to, or accept bids from, Canada, Mexico, France, Germany or any other country that does not support the United States in our efforts to rid the world of Saddam Hussein. If you are not with us, you are against us."

Ingram's .ca address sparked the notice from CompAtlanta, based in Lawrenceville, Georgia. Canada is one of a number of countries that said it would not support an American invasion of Iraq without United Nations' approval.

"I've made a winning bid,'' Ingram said. "To discriminate against me because I'm a Canadian is ridiculous."

When Having Sex With Your Mistress, Watch The News