The Gold Porsche

As UK fuel prices soar and the climate falters, it’s nice to observe fellow motorists being sympathetic to the plight of millions of other fellow motorists, isn’t it comrade?

We’ve all established that the streets of Britain are definitely not paved with gold as the credit crunch continues to take a stranglehold, but a wholly inappropriate Porsche-shaped slab of gilt-edged 911 coupe has been spotted due east. Quite a bit easterly in fact, where Russians live as it happens, and the place it seems where all the smart automotive money seems to be these days.

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Hilarious Paddy Power Adverts

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Why Men Die Before Women

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S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered,"S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Irish Family Fortunes

These are actual answers given to Larry Grogan on the Irish version of Family Fortunes.

1. Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2. A Song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3. Name the Capital of France? - F

4. Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5. Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6. Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7. What is Hitlers first name? - Heil

8. As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)? - A pig in shit

9. Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10. A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11. Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12. An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13. A sign of the Zodiac? - April

14. Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

15. Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

16. Something you put on walls? - A roof

17. Something Slippery? - A conman

18. A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

19. A Jacket Potato topping? - Jam

20. A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

His 'N' Hers Remotes

Alina Vacariu

I'm one of Alina Vacariu's biggest fans in the world. Not just because she hails from my country of Romania but because of the fact she is an incredible inspiration to any person around the world that no matter what your beginnings are, you can always make it if you try hard enough.

She was plucked from obscurity to super stardom almost overnight. Since then, she has stayed level headed and faithful to her roots. She always talks fondly of her family and her upbringing.

I agree, she is probably one of the most beautiful women in the world and could have anything she wants at one click of her fingers. But she remembers her beginnings and is not a diva like some super models and pop singers I could mention.

Because of this, I am a big fan. Hence her appearing on this blog as well as my Romanian one.

I don't suppose the guys reading this will complain if they have to check her out twice either.

The Logical Scientist

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Dave: - Oh !What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Dave: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave:- I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Mike Tyson Back To School

As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish 5th grade. This is Mike's homework assignment: He must use each of the words listed in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake. " He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel. "

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.

11. Iraq - When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you break. "

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner? "

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much? " she say, "fortify".

14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.

The 8 Biggest F*ck Ups In History

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN "B" ???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until the police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man (in L.A.) spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking on water, he was
laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER.....................THIS IS TRUE!.....................

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

The Official Scouse Olympic Bid For 2016

In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in 2016, the organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.

A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional costume Of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES

Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven one under each arm and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING.

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors will aim at a post clerks, a bank teller or a wages delivery guard.

BOXING

Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the first three survivors back will decide the medals.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot Guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised brick throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

How To Impress A Woman/Man

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.

Men's English

1. I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

2. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

3. I'm tired = I'm tired.

4. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.

5. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.

6. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you that night.

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.

8. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

9. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you tonight.

10. What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

11. I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

12. I love you = Let's have sex right now.

13. I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

16. I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

A Couple Of Scouser Jokes

A man is rowing accross a lake in Africa on a Saturday afternoon chanting away as he rows "Bongo..... Bongo..... Bongo", at this time, a flying saucer is shooting past the earth and the aliens spot the man and decide to beam him up to perform some tests.

After the tests are completed they decide to put him back in his boat, "Stop" the leader says, lets see what happens to this human if we remove a quarter of his brain", so the aliens remove a quarter of the guys brain and beam him back down to his boat, "Lets see what happens to him now" the aliens say.

As the aliens watch, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"

Amazed by this, the aliens beam the man back up to the ship, "How can this happen, he has a quarter of his brain missing, right lets remove half of his brain and see what happens", the aliens remove half of the mans brain leaving him with just a quarter of his brain left and beam him back down to his boat, "This should do something to him" say the aliens.

Once again, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, as before un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"

This makes the aliens even more confused, "Get him back up here and remove all of his brain" says the alien leader, "This must surely have some effect". So the aliens once again beam the man back up the ship and completely remove his brain leaving him brainless and then put him back in his boat.

And once again the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, he cannot recall his experience and continues to row across the lake chanting on his way "Ferrry 'cross the Mersey........." Ay Ay........Calm Down, Calm Down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

Russian Army Knife

The Swiss Army knife is a very handy tool. However, did you know the Russians have just such an item for their troops. It enables them to open any bottled beer and 11 varities of Wodka bottle too.

Arsenal Fans Better Brace Themselves

Arsene Wenger - prince or a pauper?

That's his choice.

Real Madrid are offering the Frenchman a mind-boggling budget, at Arsenal it is the same old story of careful and conservative spending.

Wenger has a Masters degree in economics from Strasbourg University. But you sense the time may have come where he fancies letting his hair down.

He turns 60 in October, has not won a trophy for four years, has had fans on his back more and more – and lost his closest ally, David Dein, when the ex-director of football was chucked off the Gunners board in October 2006.

Kaka, David Villa and Xavi Alonso – for a combined fee of £123m – are the players Perez is promising he will try to sign.

Stay at Arsenal and it will almost certainly be the same trawling around Europe, South America and Africa for hidden gems like Nicolas Anelka, Patrick Vieira and Kolo Toure.

The fans have given you enough shit Mr Wenger. I love this guy and he deserves more respect than he gets from Arsenal.

Get across to Spain and show us what you are really made of with a club that supports you rather than counting the pennies and relying to heavily on you working your genius.

It's about time Arsene got some real glory and not the tin pot shite he gets with Arsenal.

At Real Madrid I forecast a La Liga win within two years and a Champions League win in three !!

Some More 'Dodgy' Pictures

How to freak a baby out and stop it crying forever




Contrary to popular belief, even elephants must practise their basketball



OI !! Santa, leave those tits alone !!



Not a mirror I would like to have. I want one that makes my fat ass disappear.




A future lout, in training for 2012