Showing posts with label funny stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny stories. Show all posts

Friday, 31 July 2009

The French Fartiste - The Fart Maniac


Le Pétomane was the stage name of the French professional farter and entertainer Joseph Pujol (June 1, 1857 - 1945).

He was famous for his remarkable control of the abdominal muscles, which enabled him to fart at will. His stage name combines the French verb 'péter', "to fart" with the '-mane', "-maniac" suffix, which translates to "The Fart Maniac". The profession is also referred to as "flatulist," "farteur", or "fartiste".

Joseph Pujol was born in Marseille. He was one of five children of François (a stonemason and sculptor) and Rose Pujol. Soon after he left school he had a strange experience while swimming in the sea. He put his head under the water and held his breath, whereupon he felt an icy cold penetrating his rear. He ran ashore in fright and was amazed to see water pouring from his anus. A doctor assured him that there was nothing to worry about.

When he joined the army he told his fellow soldiers about his special ability, and repeated it for their amusement, sucking up water from a pan into his rectum and then projecting it through his anus up to several yards. He then found that he could suck in air as well. Although a baker by profession, Pujol would entertain his customers by imitating musical instruments, and claim to be playing them behind the counter. Pujol decided to try his talent on the stage, and debuted in Marseille in 1887. After his act proved successful, he proceeded to Paris, where he took the act to the Moulin Rouge in 1892.

Some of the highlights of his stage act involved sound effects of cannon fire and thunderstorms, as well as playing 'O Sole Mio and La Marseillaise on an ocarina through a rubber tube in his anus. He could also blow out a candle from several yards away. His audience included Edward, Prince of Wales, King Leopold II of the Belgians and Sigmund Freud.

In 1894, the managers of the Moulin Rouge sued Pujol for an impromptu exhibition he gave to aid a friend struggling with economic difficulties. For the measly sum of 3,000 francs (Pujol's usual fee being 20,000 francs per show), the Moulin Rouge lost their star attraction, who proceeded to set up his own traveling show called the Theatre Pompadour.

In the following decade Pujol tried to 'refine' and make his acts 'gentler'; one of his favourite numbers became a rhyme about a farm which he himself composed, and which he punctuated with the usual anal renditions of the animals' sounds. The climax of his act however involved him farting his impression of the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

With the outbreak of World War I, Pujol, horrified by the inhumanity of the conflict, retired from the stage and returned to his bakery in Marseille. Later he opened a biscuit factory in Toulon. He died in 1945, aged 88, and was buried in the cemetery of La Valette-du-Var, where his grave can still be seen today. The Sorbonne offered his family a large sum of money to study his body after his death, but they refused the offer.

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Saturday, 23 May 2009

12 Ways Women Have Replaced Men With Technology

Now I must admit,
I did find this a tad
funny.

I have a feeling the
guys wont appreciate
it, but I'm sure the
girls will.

We love you guys,
but the time is fast
approaching when
we wont need you
any more.

Read all about it here

Friday, 22 May 2009

From 0-100 Then Off To Hospital

funny amusing pictures

funny amusing pictures

Photobucket

Nine Things Women Say

I posted a few of these here, but this list seems so much more accurate, I thought I would give the guys a warning about it.

1. Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end with Fine.

4. Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Do not do It!

5. Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6. That’s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That is okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question or faint. Just say: “You are welcome.”

8. Whatever:
Is women’s way of saying …

9. Don’t Worry About It, I Got It:
Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What is wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

Mike Tyson Back To School

mike tyson teethAs part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish 5th grade. This is Mike's homework assignment: He must use each of the words listed in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake. " He say, "Bullshit, that watch Israel. "

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.

11. Iraq - When we got the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you break. "

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner? "

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much? " she say, "fortify".

14. Income - I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.

The 8 Biggest F*ck Ups In History

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN "B" ???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until the police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man (in L.A.) spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath, he came up choking on water, he was
laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER.....................THIS IS TRUE!.....................

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Men's English

1. I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

2. I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

3. I'm tired = I'm tired.

4. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.

5. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.

6. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you that night.

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you tonight.

8. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

9. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you tonight.

10. What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

11. I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

12. I love you = Let's have sex right now.

13. I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

15. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

16. I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.