We Really Can't Win

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor apartment when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid,"

she thought as she fell.

"What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.

As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Amazing 3-D Pavement Art

These pictures are amazing. They are 3-D and look so real.

Click the thumbs for full size image.

Get ready to be amazed.

The Four Types Of Bengal Tiger

The four types of Bengal Tiger can be seen below.

My favourite animal in the whole world.

Sexy.

Watch out though, these mo fo's bite Grrrrrrrrr!

Click the thumbs to see full size.

Student's Report Cards

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system.

Oh how the pupils must look forward to report time.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Carly's Next Car Is A............

Here is my next car.

I've been busy saving my change in a jar to pay for it.

This very special Mercedes SLR McLaren Red Gold
Dream has been adorned with 500 rubies and 14k
gold, transforming a once unassuming super car into
something truly eye-catching.

The car is estimated to be $4.3 million.

Reasons Why Women Don't Need Handymen

10. Don't Forget The Emergency Break!

"It might be a little steep, but it should be fine"





9. Crooked Window, Crooked Contractor

"No, that looks pretty strait to me. Who really cares anyway?"




8. Watch Your Head! Doh!

"Nah, these steps are fine. You might
have to duck a little, but that's normal."




7. Safety first!

"Dude, that's a perfect place for a security
monitor. Wait, where should we put the camera?"




6. Miniature Steps And Handrail

"Housing codes require that we put up a
handrail if there is a staircase...or just
one single, solitary stair.

At least we're pretty sure that's what it says."




5. Light Pole

"Well, we have to put up a light pole here.
So, should we move the building or think
of something else?

I don't feel like moving the building today.

Let's think of something else."




4. What Doors?

"Hey, you told us to build the offices. You
didn't say anything about doors. That's not my job."




3. Bridge To Nowhere

"Harry, you do that side of the bridge and
I'll do this side. I'm sure it will all come
together somehow."




2. ATM (Awkwardly Tall Machine)

"Can you please stand a little further back?
I don't want you to see my pin number as
I jump to put it in. Thanks."




1. Too Close For Comfort

"Are our butts touching a little Howard?

Who built this anyway?"

Woman Dies Using Jack Hammer To Pleasure Herself

ARNDALE, OK – Sheriff’s investigators have closed the unsettling case of a 49-year-old female construction worker found dead in her driveway after a neighbor witnessed her using a high-powered jackhammer to pleasure herself.

After a two-day investigation in which officials initially suspected foul play–Shirley Dent’s death on May 1 has now been ruled an accident “after severe internal distress induced by the machine was discovered,” Det.-Sgt. Karl Sprout of the Alpara County Sheriff’s Office said yesterday.

On May 1, a neighbor witnessed a naked Ms. Dent in her driveway “struggling to direct a jackhammer toward her mid-section.” The alarmed neighbor notified police after hearing ear-splitting moans of distress that carried over the raucous jackhammer. Authorities arrived at the scene to an unresponsive Ms. Dent, who was then transported to West Grenier Hospital where she was pronounced dead shortly thereafter.

The recently divorced Ms. Dent had been questioned by authorities three times over the past month after neighbors complained of her running a prostitution ring from her home. Records also show that Ms. Dent supplemented her income as the sole proprietor of a sex toy distributor.

Ms. Dent’s alleged extracurricular activities appear to be unrelated to her death. A neighbor who declined to be identified said, “She was a horny lady, especially after her husband moved out. My family could hear moans coming from her place all the time.”

The BRAVEST Little Girl In The World

This is the bravest little girl in the world in my eyes.

Only ten years old and performing live in front of 18 million people, she started well but broke down in tears halfway through her performance. I had floods of tears running down my face watching this God love her.

She begged to be given another chance, her mother ran to the stage to comfort her and begged the judges to give her another chance.

Time was up for her though, the producers said they had no spare time. That was until BGT boss Simon Cowell declared "Hollie, somehow we will find time for you".

Here is her first performance, get the tissues ready.




Hollie left the stage and was allowed back. How she found the courage to do this was beyond me. The whole of Britain held it's breath for 3 minutes and Hollie absolutely nailed it big time.

What an awesome little girl.