Am I going mad......
Sunday, 2 August 2009
Am I going mad......
Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.
Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.
Of course when the Russians heard that dozens of their men were going down and that it was all one dude with a rifle, they got fucking scared. He became known as "The White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit, and they actually mounted whole missions just to kill that one guy.
They started by sending out a task force to find Hayha and take him out. He killed them all.
Then they tried getting together a team of counter-snipers (which are basically snipers that kill snipers) and sent them in to eliminate Hayha. He killed all of them, too.
Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.
Since everyone they had was either too dead or too scared to go anywhere near him, the Russians just carpet-bombed everywhere they thought he might be. Supposedly, they had the location right, and he actually got hit by a cloud of shrapnel that tore his coat up, but didn't actually hurt him, because he's the fucking White Death, damn it.
Finally on March 6th, 1940, some lucky bastard shot Hayha in the head with an exploding bullet. When some other soldiers found him and brought him back to base, he "had half his head missing." The White Death had finally been stopped...
...for about a week. In spite of having come down with a nasty case of shot-in-the-face syndrome, he was still very much alive, and regained consciousness on March 13, the very day the war ended.
Last year, in Cambodia's rural village of Phnom Penh a couple ended their 18 years of marriage because Moeun, the husband, has suspected for years that his wife was screwing around with the local cop. So like a reasonable couple they talked over their differences and then at some point Moeun decided to fucking cut their house in half.
Moeun and his relatives showed up equipped with lots of saws, and I'm guessing even more alcohol, and cut the bastard neatly in two. I'm also guessing if you were to rewind about two hours you'd find said man and relatives in a bar, just sort of drunk, when one of them says, "You know what you should do... " There's laughter, but then about 15 Cambodian beers later, the idea comes up again. This time, less laughter and more angry agreement. We figure about an hour later, they were loading up their chainsaws.
Once they got started they really couldn't quit without looking like even bigger assholes, so they completed the job and carried Moeun's share of the house--which, should be noted, is utterly useless without the other half to keep the rain out--back to his parents' place. We can only thank God the couple didn't have kids.
Wow, something this insane can only happen in Cambodia, right, guys? Oh, wait, a guy in Germany did the exact same thing.
This image is a message board staple and easy to confuse with something that's been manipulated lolcat-style. But it is in fact just a cheerleader at the University of South Carolina, home of the the Gamecocks. The girl is leading the crowd in the official school cheer of "GAME!-COCKS!" with each word printed on one side of the card.
I would like to say here that they named the team during a more innocent time, but I'm having trouble believing such a time ever existed and you'd think after discovering their faux pas, they'd find a cheer that didn't require a young girl in a skirt to carry around a foot-tall dick euphemism on a sign.
This building in Ukraine does in fact have a gigantic, 100-foot-tall, crossword puzzle on the side. Yes, you can actually work it, though we assume if you try to do it with some rope and a can of spray paint, some guys will shoot you.
The clues are hidden around the city, and each night the answers are projected onto the side with lights.
The town did this to give people another reason to visit the Ukraine, bringing the total number of reasons up to... no, it's still at zero.
The lady whose midsection appears to be in the process of getting sucked into a black hole is Cathie Jung, who, as you can see, has an entire website based around the fact that her body is terrifying to look at.
She got hit by a fucking meteorite.
On November 30, 1954, Ann Hodges was taking an afternoon nap on her couch.
Unbeknown to her, a meteorite was fireballing its way across the sky. The chondrite rock, which I assume means "douchebag" in Latin, fragmented into three pieces during its descent. One of the pieces smashed through her roof and hit Hodges in the hip.
But that could happen to anyone, right?
Actually, no. She is the only one to ever be hit by a meteorite. Seriously, there's no other case in recorded history.
Mrs. Hodges' luck almost changed when she realized she had a rare toddler-sized fragment of potential money on her living room floor. This light was immediately burnt out by swarms of people who wanted to claim the meteorite for themselves.
The United States Air Force, who subscribe to the philosophy that getting crushed by something expensive doesn't denote ownership, helicoptered in and took the rock, presumably mooning Hodges and wagging their dicks as they flew away.
Eugene Hodges, Mrs. Hodges husband, hired a lawyer and got it back. With $5,000 offers coming in, their unfortunately-named landlady Bertie Guy tried to claim it to cover the damages made to the house.
The legal battles, public attention and dwindling offers finally become too much for Hodges and she donated the meteorite to the Alabama Museum of Natural History. I like to think she wiped her ass with it first.
Traditionally, sea captains considered it bad luck to have a woman on board when they weighed anchor. Women were said to make the sea angry. On the flip side, the superstition said, if the woman was naked, it would calm the sea. If only Violet Jessop had gone around showing off her hoo-ha, perhaps the Titanic would never have hit the iceberg.
Jessop's story doesn't start on the Titanic, however. It starts on board Titanic's sister ship, the Olympic. In 1911, Jessop was a stewardess aboard the luxury liner, getting her bottom pinched by mustachioed men in long coats who added a "harroomph" to the end of every sentence. Or so we assume.
On September 20, 1911, the Olympic collided with a British warship. No one was hurt in that mishap but Violet Jessop decided to move on, to serve on a much bigger, unsinkable ship: the Titanic.
There she brought not only the same bad fortune but also the captain of the Olympic, one Edward J. Smith. Then there was an iceberg and, well, you've seen that movie. Now, I know what you're thinking. It's hardly bad luck that she was on two boat accidents when it was the same captain both times. Clearly he was the problem, right?
I'm not done.
You see, Jessop made it to one of Titanic's lifeboats and could only watch as the world's largest metaphor slipped under the waves, setting the stage for James Cameron's disappointing follow up to True Lies.
Then in 1916, after a short time away from the sea, Jessop signed up to serve as a nurse aboard the Britannic. Sure enough, it floated into a mine and quickly sunk. This time, Jessop's lifeboat didn't get far enough away from the sinking boat, forcing her to jump into the water. Her head klunked in to the keel of the boat but she survived and, for the third time, made it back onto dry land.
Violet Jessop died of congestive heart failure in 1971. She was buried at sea.