The World's Smallest Monkey

This is just too cute.

I want one.

Crazy Classifieds

Man Jailed For NOT Breaking The Law

A TEACHER at a private school was behind bars yesterday after he admitted having an affair with a pupil.

Married man Peter Clayton who is 56, began meeting the sixth-form girl at break times at the posh school near Ipswich, Suffolk.

The head of music began “secret trysts” and the consensual relationship carried on after she left school.

The dad of two, of Great Bentley, Essex, also sent the girl sexy texts.

He was jailed for six months at Ipswich Crown Court after admitting four charges of sex with a child in his trust.

His lawyer said: “His life is in ruins.”

I'm a bit confused about all this though. The age of consent for sexual relations is 16 years and this girl was 17 years old when it happened. She consented to it, so why is he in jail?

Not so long ago, a woman was charged with the same 'offence' with a pupil of the same age, 17, but she is NOT in prison, I wonder why.

Maybe I have missed something here, but I was of the opinion you had to do something illegal to be jailed. Something like stealing cash from the taxpayers like a certain Prime Minister did - MR GORDON BROWN - This seems to be a case of one rule for one, and another rule for those in power and who have a shit load of cash !!

They Have Given, Now You OWE Them

I think this Help For Heroes Campaign that
has been started by The Sun is a great idea.

We ALL owe it to the troops in Iraq and
Afghanistan to make sure we give them
the best life possible when they return home
injured.

Some have missing limbs and some will
never see again. So why are they like that?
Because they stood up and took up arms to
make sure you and I sleep safely at night.

They stood up against the evil of this world,
they didn't casually ignore it and hope
someone else will deal with the problem like
I did, or like you did!

Click the donate button below which
will take you to The Sun's donation page.

These guys have donated lives, legs,
eyes and a normal life for you, are you
telling me you can't spare them a poxy tenner £10.

To the saddle sore, the rich, the poor,
To those who baked a thousand cakes
Cut hair, made bears, raced carts, topped the charts,
You helped our blokes, and for that, we’re stoked.
You swam the oceans, you crossed the straights,
You waxed your chest hair, skied, ran, rowed, walked, ate.
£16million you raised to build pools, combat stress,
So Our Lads and Lasses stand tall, like the rest.
But this year we need you to do more
So we ask, what will you do?
Spare some change, climb a mountain, what ever suits you.
For now , though, thank you all.
Thanks to all those who gave,
Thank you all, you good people who helped the brave.

Madonna: Like A Mother, Adopting For The Very First Time

Not many celebrities impress me. Not for any other reason other than the fact half of them are self indulgent half wits who think of no one but themselves.

One who does stand head and shoulders above the others in my opinion is Madonna, surprisingly.

She's had quite a career and now, even at the age of 50, she is keeping up with the younger generation and churning out hits.

I always thought this 'adoption syndrome' she developed was a publicity stunt to say "Look at me, aren't I a caring woman and a good mother".

But when she adopted little David from Malawi, I watched very closely with great interest and it brings tears of joy to my eyes to see how she has treated that little boy. She has been a model mother for anyone to follow. She might have removed him from the country he was born in, but my God, she wont let him forget who he is or where he came from. That alone is a fantastic achievement.

Even now she regularly visits the Kabbalah centre to keep him in touch with his roots and his origins.

While Madonna awaits the outcome of an appeal in her case to adopt four-year-old Malawian Mercy James, she herself takes comfort from a visit to her local Kabbalah centre.

The queen of pop can be seen in the picture here arriving with her 12-year-old daughter Lourdes and David, the son she adopted from the African country two years ago. Seemingly unaffected by the difficult time his mother is experiencing over the failed adoption, the little boy at one point poked his tongue mischievously at passersby.

Like his brother Rocco, Madonna's son by Guy Ritchie, David was dressed in the white garb traditionally worn to Kabbalah services and had his head covered with a skull cap.

Lourdes was trendily dressed in skinny jeans, a waistcoat and shirt, teamed with a tie and blue-rimmed shades.

The family has reportedly stepped up their participation in prayer sessions to gain strength to help them cope with the strains of the current situation.

I can't see why anyone would want to stop her adopting little Mercy James. The child couldn't wish for a better mother. I know she has immense wealth and can buy almost anything she wants, but what she has given little David cannot be bought, no matter how much money you have.

Let's All Bash The Scousers

Rafa Benitez has this morning explained why he continues to play the rotation system. He says it’s to keep the burglars guessing, who’s at home or who’s in the team.

Which ship has never docked in Liverpool?
The Premiership.

What's the difference between Pam Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
Pam's only got two tits in front of her.

Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating. He answers "Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days." "And that’s good?" asks Curran. "You bet Hun" says Steve."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

Why do pigeons fly upside down in Liverpool?
Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What's long, scouse and goes round corners?
The dole queue.

What do you call a scouser in a white shellsuit?
The bride.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The defendant.

Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen who had gone to Newcastle.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"

With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first fucking place!"

Half way through his hanging upside down "stunt", David Blaine has revealed what possessed him to do it. Apprently it was because his record for hanging around in a box doing nothing has been broken by Dirk Kuyt.

Officials of Iraq have claimed that Saddam Hussein hasn't been killed and is still alive by showing the leader giving an interview which was said to be live...

He said "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were total sh**e on Saturday."

The British Government said, "That could have been recorded any Saturday in the last 20 years."

Nature's Way Of Telling Us Who Is The Best Country

Nature's Way Of Telling Us Where To Go

Oi, Club Scout, Leave Those Kids Alone !

A BABY-FACED kid being is billed as the new Wayne Rooney... and he’s only seven.

Scouse starlet Dylan Nicholls has got Premier League scouts purring with excitement after banging in 120 goals in his first season.

The pint-size hotshot is currently training with Blackburn Rovers as well as Merseyside big guns Liverpool and Everton.

But title-chasing Anfield fans needn’t get too excited – because the cheeky kid dreams of playing alongside his hero Rooney at bitter rivals Manchester United.

I think this is bizarre these days, the way clubs are tracking kids of this age in the hope of winning their signatures. Even the FA's rule of not being allowed to sign a player until he is nine years old is a bit freaky in my opinion.

Let these kids grow up and enjoy their days as kids. Don't heap pressure on them as soon as they leave the womb. If clubs keep chasing these starlets and calling them names like the "next Wayne Rooney" they will be left with nothing.

At this age, kids will be put under immense pressure and will most probably 'burn out' by the time they are 15 or 16 and of any use to anyone.

Those Spanish Racists Are At It Again

BRIT F1 ace Lewis Hamilton was once again the victim of sick racist fans who blacked up their faces for the Spanish Grand Prix.

They taunted World Champion Lewis, 24, left, in Barcelona in a repeat of last year’s ugly scenes. To see racism like this on one occassion is enough Action should have been taken to stop it happening TWICE!

Despite warnings from the sport’s governing body, the FIA, some fans with blacked-up faces still managed to get inside the circuit. Perhaps the Spanish security guards or those who checked peoples tickets as they entered the track didn't notice people with white hands and blacked out faces, or perhaps they don't care.

Former driver David Coulthard, 38, stormed: “There is no excuse for this kind of behaviour” and former team owner Eddie Jordan, 61, added: “This is totally and absolutely unacceptable.”

Spain now risks losing future F1 events. In fact, it's about time someone acted against the Spanish. Let's not forget that on several occassions black footballers playing for England have gone to play against Spain or Spanish teams and had the crowd making noises like a monkey in racist jibes.

I know people from my own country who have gone to settle in Spain and who have been made to feel most unwelcome by racism and bullying from the Spanish.

For the second year running Lewis Hamilton has suffered this racism in Spain, so take the F1 race off the Spanish if they don't like the fact that a black driver is doing so well. That way they don't have to watch him do they.

I'd make the Spanish National team and ALL Spanish clubs play away from home in ANY sporting event. Especially football events. Their half wit football fans are infamous for their racist antics. If they too can't handle seeing black players, then let's relieve them of having to 'suffer' any more of this too.

That way they will be left with just their cheap tacky holiday venues, their pervy little waiters and copious quantities of their cheap attempts at making wine.

At the end of the day, Spanish sporting 'fans' seems to think they are a cut above everyone else it would seem and they need knocking down a peg or two.