A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city, wearing the traditional costume Of shell suit, baseball cap and balaclava mask. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
Sprint competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven one under each arm and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
100 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles e.g. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc.
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, the competitors will aim at a post clerks, a bank teller or a wages delivery guard.
Entry to this event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night The husband will be given 15 pints of Tennents while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team who will witness the theft.
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.
Competitors will be thrown off the Pier Head into the Mersey and the first three survivors back will decide the medals.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot Guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by the members of the Liverpool Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised brick throwing. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all of the copper piping and the central heating boiler.