Monday, 11 May 2009

Let's All Bash The Scousers

Rafa Benitez has this morning explained why he continues to play the rotation system. He says it’s to keep the burglars guessing, who’s at home or who’s in the team.

Which ship has never docked in Liverpool?
The Premiership.

What's the difference between Pam Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
Pam's only got two tits in front of her.

Rafael Benitez: "Our new Winger cost five million. I call him our wonder player"
Sir Alex Ferguson: "Why's that?"
Rafael Benitez: "Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!"

Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating. He answers "Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days." "And that’s good?" asks Curran. "You bet Hun" says Steve."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

Why do pigeons fly upside down in Liverpool?
Because there's nothing worth shitting on.

What's long, scouse and goes round corners?
The dole queue.

What do you call a scouser in a white shellsuit?
The bride.

What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The defendant.

Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen who had gone to Newcastle.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on the field he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the lad comes off the pitch, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful," says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters while you were having a great time!"

With this news, the young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, except I'm so sorry".

"Sorry!" exclaims his mum. "It's your fault we all moved to Liverpool in the first fucking place!"

Half way through his hanging upside down "stunt", David Blaine has revealed what possessed him to do it. Apprently it was because his record for hanging around in a box doing nothing has been broken by Dirk Kuyt.

Officials of Iraq have claimed that Saddam Hussein hasn't been killed and is still alive by showing the leader giving an interview which was said to be live...

He said "To prove I am still alive, Liverpool were total sh**e on Saturday."

The British Government said, "That could have been recorded any Saturday in the last 20 years."

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